


Hanazono Tae Joins La Squadra di Esecuzione

by ReplacementPasta



Series: Q: What Happens If You Let A Vampire Into Heaven With An Illegal Substance Such As Crack? [1]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Crack Crossover, Discord Chat - Freeform, Inter-universal travel, Some instances of OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27792010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReplacementPasta/pseuds/ReplacementPasta
Summary: When Saya suggests that the band should take a break, things take a turn for the bizarre.In other words Tae gets punched into the JoJo universe and shit gets really weird.
Series: Q: What Happens If You Let A Vampire Into Heaven With An Illegal Substance Such As Crack? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033320
Kudos: 2





	Hanazono Tae Joins La Squadra di Esecuzione

"Oh no!" Kasumi stared at the fruit in horror. "There are only two apples, and five of us!" Two fat tears rolled down Kasumi's nose, leaving wet trails of salt running from her eyes to the floor. "What are we going to doooo?!" Kasumi wailed and slammed herself against the table, sobbing.

"Tch," Arisa scoffed. "It's just fruit! You don't have to make such a big deal about it!"

Kasumi sniffed and wiped her eyes with her arm. "YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAAAAND, ARISA!! HOW ARE WE GONNA SPLIT THESE APPLES EQUALLYYYYY!? IT'S TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLEEEE!!"

"Kasumi-chan…" said Rimi, concerned for her chum, buddy ol' pal bandmate, Kasumi. "There must be some way for us to split these apples equally!"

"BUT HOWWWW?!" Kasumi shrieked. She stopped sobbing, temporarily awaiting some feasible solution to their problem to escape one's lips, but nobody had uttered a single syllable. "I KNEW IT," Kasumi gurgled, "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" 

Kasumi continued to sob, louder than ever before until Tae went and grabbed a knife from the counter and stabbed Kasu--I mean she sliced the apples. She sliced each apple into a total of eight slices, and placed each apple slice into one of five groups.

"Wait," said Saya, "16 divided by 5 is 3.2. It's still not eve--" Tae chopped 0.8% of the fourth apples off. "Wait, what the fu…" Tae throws the extra fruit out the window. "Okay now that's wasteful."

Tae went inside the pantry and got some peanut butter and smacked it on top of the apples. "And thus, dinner is served," she said, popping an apple into her mouth. 

Everybody stared at Tae as she proceeded to, very loudly, eat her apples. "WITCH!" Shouted Kasumi, "But a good witch that gives us apples and stuff." Kasumi ate her apples.

Saya, Rimi, and Arisa looked at each other and collectively agreed to begin eating the freshly cut apples. With peanut butter on them. Yummy. A childhood delight!

The girls finish the apples and stare at the plate until one of them did something, which they did not. They just stared blankly at the plate and every once in a while blinking or something. That was literally all they did. None of them spoke, none of them coughed, farted, shat their pants, it was quiet. You could even hear the movement of the molecules in the air and shit. It was so quiet. Like grandmother's property quiet.

Arisa's _o-baasan_ entered the kitchen and looked at the girls. Confused, she asked them: "Are you girls on drugs, or something?" The five girls looked at her the same way they looked at the plate: blank and somewhat confused. "Do y'all want some tea or something?" Still nothing. Arisa's _o-baasan_ rummaged through the cabinet. "Peppermint?" Literally, nothing. "Peppermint tea it is." She pulls the peppermint tea out of the cabinet and fills a kettle with water and places it on the stove. She turns the stove on and waits.

"Silver the Hedgehog," said Tae, finally.

"Sonic '06 is shit." Mused Arisa.

"You act as if that isn't common knowledge at this point." Mumbled Rimi.

Arisa turns towards Rimi with the intention of murder reflecting in her eyes. "The fuck did you say, you dumbass dick wipe bass player motherfucking whore ass bitch?"

"What? You're supposed to talk to me like that!" Shouted Kasumi.

"Are you the sun?" Arisa asked Kasumi, "Because you need to stay 92 million miles away from me. I hate you."

"Oh, like nobody's heard that before." Rimi mumbled. Arisa elbowed her in the stomach causing Rimi to cough up blood. "N-nani?! Arisa!"

Arisa pointed an accusatory finger at Rimi. "Don't act like you don't know what you just fucking said." Arisa started default dancing as Rimi began to lose brain cells.

"HEY, ARE WE HAVING PROBLEMS OVER THERE?!" Arisa's _o-baasan_ approached the group holding a pink flip flop from the store.

"I-it's nothing, _o-baasan_!"

"Okay." The flip flop fell and Arisa's _o-baasan_ sank into the floor and slithered away. The kettle whistled and Arisa's _o-baasan_ poured the water into cups (with tea bags in them), and Arisa's _o-baasan_ handed each girl a cup (with a tea bag in it) and then left to do more important stuff like making sure nobody steals any merchandise in the pawn shop she owns. 

The girls sip their tea. "So what now?" Asked Saya.

"Band practice?" Said Tae with a questioning tone.

"We already did that. For about three hours straight, actually." Saya sipped her tea. "No, actually three hours, 27 minutes, and 22 seconds." She takes another sip. "And seven nano-seconds."

Saya takes a lot of calculus classes in this universe. So much to the point of becoming some sort of arithmetic goddess. It all started when she got a B minus on her third grade geometry test. She was devastated, and made sure that all of the free time she had outside of the bakery or band practice was spent doing math. She has yet to even sleep. Seven years she has been awake, and seven more she will stay awake. Saya Yamabuki has evolved into something much more than just a second year highschooler. She might have _'rejected her humanity,'_ if you will. But with math.

Arisa became uneasy after sensing someone tell about Saya's whole life story, for she had yet to understand that she's but words on a Google Document. "Anybody feel that?" She asked, uneasily rubbing her arms.

Saya looked at Arisa and frowned. "Hey, guys…" she shook her head and corrected herself, "...Sorry, girls." She sighed, "Check your Discord DMs when y'all get home. We have something crucial to discuss." Saya quickly left the house, leaving behind nothing but melancholy. No seriously. Why did she just leave her Melancholy County Tea: Peppermint Flavor™ unfinished on the table like that? No dignity.

Everybody stood and watched Saya leave, and promptly finished their tea and also left, except for Arisa who put the cups away and returned to her basement where she left her thousands of sad looking bonsai trees. She desperately needed to water them. It's been about a week now.

Now cue the happy-go-lucky royalty free music as we zoom in on Tae entering her humble abode. " _Tadaima!!_ " She yelled as she proceeded to pry open the door, her voice bouncing off the fur of all 20 of her bunnies directing it towards the couch where her parents sat motionless in front of the TV. Whatever was on didn't matter to them. Nothing mattered to them. Nothing but gerbils, but alas, their daughter had insisted they get bunnies. They _hated_ bunnies.

Tae went inside of her house and scooped up one of her bunnies and took it with her to her room. She opened the door to her room, and upon entering, she slammed the door shut, and twisted the lock with a click. She sat the bunny on the ground, and pulled a comically large box out of her drawer. She opened the box, revealing an ample amount of questionable objects including satanic knives and candles along with piles upon piles of hentai mangas she very discreetly stole from Yukina of all people and a bootleg Heaven Ascension Za Warudo dakimakura pillow from AliExpress.

Tae took the bootleg Heaven Ascension Za Warudo dakimakura pillow out of the box and gave it a smooch. Tae put the box away and grabbed her phone to check her Discord with her husbando in arms. What she found left her in shock:

 **Dick_Bread #5802:** _@everyone_ we're taking a break.

Tae started sweating and frantically started typing out her response:

 **TheWorldIsAPinkBunnyFromHeaven #8940:** Wdym?

 _ **Dick_Bread #5802**_ _is typing…_  
_._  
_._  
_._  
_._  
**Dick_Bread #5802:** The band  
We need to break up the band

Tae nearly got whiplash from that statement. She nearly threw her phone across the room. She can't believe it! The band is breaking up? Tae started typing again:

 **TheWorldIsAPinkBunnyFromHeaven #8940:** What??  
Are you serious??

 **AbRoRnIzVaEbDuEdRdCyI #6229:** Tae, are you dumb?

_[Tae posts a Ghandi "SAY WHAAAT?" GIF]_

**CHOCO-DREAM #4207:** Wtf  
please shut up arisa

 **ILikeStars #7079:** WHAT??  
SAYA  
NO  
DON'T BREAK UP THE BAND IT'S MY ONLY WILL TO LIVE

 **Dick_Bread #5802:** I'm sorry Kasumi, it must be done  
I think Rimi and Arisa are gonna kill eachother

 **ILikeStars #7079:** NOOOOO

Tae dropped her phone on the floor and began to scream in agony as she faceplanted directly into her bunny's soft brown fuzz and she hugged her husbando as if it were her last day on earth. And not only was the band breaking up, but she also left her guitar at Arisa's place! Fuck!

"Oohhh, Heaven Ascension Za Warudo…why must we be subjected to this bullshit..." she sniffled and set the pillow on her lap in front of her. She stared deeply into Heaven Ascension Za Warudo's dark eyes and hugged him while crying. She cried and cried as she rubbed the less superior side of the pillow--the side with Heaven Ascension DIO on it (she never really gave a shit about him).

The faint sound of muda-ing could be heard from outside, but Tae just simply pushed that aside, thinking it was all part of her imagination. But it wasn't. The sound progressively got louder and louder, louder, louder. Suddenly a rather loud CRASH of many decibels came from Tae's window, showering her in glass. Tae yelped and held her stando husbando tight. She tucked her knees into the middle of the pillow and stayed in that position until her heartbeat subsided from her ears and returned to its original position in her chest. Tae lifted her head slightly, what she saw, again, filled her with such shock, though this time, it wasn't a shocking feeling of despair, but a shocking feeling of 'what the fuck, is this _Pinocchio_?' because standing there in front of her was her one and only husbando, Heaven Ascension Za Warudo.

"What in the goddamn?! Heaven Ascension Za Warudo-senpai-sama? What are you doing in my room?"

 _"I am going to punch you into a new universe,"_ said Heaven Ascension Za Warudo.

"What? Why?"

 _"My user, Heaven Ascension DIO, is making a fanfic. He says it's important you show up."_ Heaven Ascension Za Warudo paused, _"Wait, why the fuck can you see me? Where is your Stand?"_ Tae points to her nightstand. _"Wait...so it's the same type of Stand as Star Platinum?"_

Tae flung her arms in the air, "Always has been, I guess!"

 _"Oh, cool. I'm gonna punch you now."_ Heaven Ascension Za Warudo raised an arm before Tae interfered.

"Wait, hold on. I need to get ready." The Stand crossed its arms and waited patiently as Tae grabbed a suitcase from nowhere and started to fill it with her basic necessities including an extra set of clothes, a toothbrush, some toothpaste, her bunny Oddie, some hentai mangas, a bunny coloring book for furries, colored pencils she received from the little pocket dimension in the corner of her room, a Walkman from the 80's that still somehow works better than her dumbass iPhone X or whatever the fuck number iPhone we're on right now, and a stick of dynamite. 

"Okay I'm rea--" before she could finish, Heaven Ascension Za Warudo had already punched her. Bye-bye, O-Tae-chan. We'll see you again, soon!

**Author's Note:**

> I've never played EoH so I have no idea how The World Over Heaven (or Heaven Ascension Za Warudo, as I call him, definitely intentionally, not by accident) works. All I know is that he punches things and totes kicked Tusk Act 4 and Gold Experience Requiem's asses in that one cutscene.


End file.
